I am really feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed. Rwanda has been pushing me to my limits, and I am at a point where I dont know how to handle anything. We went to three more memorials in the past week, and I cant get these horrific thoughts out of my head. All I can see is death, all around me.
I have started to become so angry and frusterated and helpless. Every day I feel like I understand less and less. I just have no comprehension of how a human being can commit these acts to a fellow human being. Day after day, I am more and more worn out physically and mentally.
Not only dealing with and learning about death, but I am extremely culturally fruserated. I am tired of being touched and groped and verbally harrassed because I look foreign. I am not a cultutral relativist, and this is not something I can continue to handle.
I have no escape from my own head. I dont have music to listen to, I dont have non academic books to read, I cant seem to find a way to get out of my head, even for just 15 minutes.
I feel bad, I have no energy to devote to my host family, and they really are wonderful and welcoming. But I dont want to talk about my day and all Ive been wanting to do is go sleep, because that is my only distraction. I feel like everyone in the group is feeling like this, and for my own sanity, I really need to get out of Rwanda. I have reached my threshold.
Besides going to the peace caravan yesterday, where there was music and dancing, I really havnt experienced any true Rwandan culture, except for the learning about the genocide. That is all we learn about, which is detramental in my opinion, because I know there is more to Rwanda than the genocide.
I just feel really lost.
Peace and Love,